Individualist is Post Minimalist

ものを持たないミニマリストは、自由に生きるためのきっかけに過ぎません。ポストミニマリストは、自由で人生を楽しみ、かつ責任のある生き方だと思います。そのための新しいライフスタイルを追求するためのブログです。

15日間ブログ更新(3日目):英語ライティングの添削結果

昨日、英語のパートナーに私の書いたエッセイを添削してもらいました。通常エッセイは、300ワード(誤差10%)で、5段落構成にしなさいと言われています。

構成は、

1段落:リードパラグラフ

2〜4段落:内容の肉付けのための具体例を3つ

5段落:結論

です。

いつも膨大な箇所を直してもらっているので、忘れないためにいかに残しておきたいと思います。

ちなみに太字が添削後追加された部分です。

()+文字消しが、添削後削除された部分です。

I would develop a product that would enable to easily play piano.

It is difficult for an individual to learn playing piano on his/her own (with do-it-yourself).

You need to consult a lawyer at an (with) expensive consulting fee.

The product would enable the submission of applications through (with) a do-it-yourself process.

My product has (offers) the following 3 features.

-- Libraries having (, which contain) a thesaurus of many fields --

Inventors prepare (make) patent documents.

I provide some rationales (only mention the reason) for my product and need for its introduction, (why my product is needed) through (with) 3 examples, as follows.

Ken is a lawyer specialized in (who has a specialty on) intellectual property.

He has only 3-year career (3 year-career) in the patent field.

He wants to engage (consider how to win) other lawyers who have longer careers.

He thinks that one strength of the experienced lawyers (‘s strength) is their knowledge about special cases.

Ken wants to handle issues even though he is relatively new at that profession (without long experiences).

Masahiko was interested in invention (had an interest with).

He runs a small company that (, which) produces automobile parts.

He has invented products and processes that make it easier (easy) to build integrated and modern products.

He needed to consult with a lawyer.

After his subsequent consulting, he realized that consulting fees were extremely expensive (was so expensive).

He was convinced that (strongly thought that) if you (I) have prepared legal documents by yourself (myself), you might (could) have cut costs.

I believed that the most important attribute (point) of my proposed system would be (is) the use of existing knowledge from (in) prior documents.